Hello! In honor of the results of the United States Presidential Election and the impending second term of Donald J. Trump, I've compiled a list of quintessentially American traditions. While they will not all be related to one another, try to notice if there is a theme!
- Ordering delivery from a restaurant one block over from their house
- Idling their car for 12 hours, only leaving it to use the bathroom and then immediately returning
- Parking on the street so they have plenty of room to walk up their empty 60 foot driveway
- Speeding through traffic because they have somewhere important to be but suddenly being able to follow you for 6 hours if you look at them funny
- Asking if you can give them a ride to the convenience store directly across the street
- Rolling down their window and yelling "nice bike... loser!" at a cyclist who doesn't hear them and then laughs about it for the next 6 minutes they're at the stoplight
- Forgetting how much they hated a politician 4 years ago but remembering how upset they were over a play in the third quarter of a mid-season football game from 1973
- Wondering if they need to call the cops if you smile at their dog, since that means you might steal their dog
- Complaining about how high the cost of living is after telling you about the fourth destination wedding they attended that month
- Focusing on picking out a stick figure decal with the right amount of sass to put on their rear windshield while saying "mmmhmm" in response to everything their child says re: their day at school
- Refusing to greet a passing stranger and giving them the stink eye instead because saying hello to another man is gay
- Not remembering their anniversary but knowing which Benghazi victim would play which instrument in an Emerson, Lake, and Palmer tribute band
- Placing a curse on a fast food worker's grandchildren's children because they forgot pickles on their burger, they go there three times a week, they should remember by now!
This doesn't feel quintessentially American, but I have to direct my negative energy somewhere so normal people everywhere are going to catch this stray:
- Having a group conversation where they divulge their most twisted secrets such as "I eat string cheese by biting straight into it" and everybody reacting like they just pledged their life to Satan
Well, that about covers it for now. I'll keep you posted if I think of more! | 
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